Day of packing. Day of pain and sorrow. Day of tears. Day of laughter and heavy heart. Day of music and dancing. Day of emotional rollercoaster. Day of being gone so far where only time brings back to physical world.
As I struggled to keep up any thought or task to do for the day, I went to talk to man I look up to. And he talked short and fast. And directly answered and those answers created pain and disappointment. As another year have passed and in a split second seemed that this was another year completely wasted.
It took time to shrug that feeling off. To arrive to a point when I can say that it is not true. This have been most influential year of life that I could remember. Actually only year that I seem to be able to recall. As if all else have disappeared and faded far away in ocean of memories.
Another push given to realise that there is no way back. There are no second plans or backdoor exits. There is now. And what follows. And by my own choice that what follows shall come to be. Shall come in light. And all that is now shall create every moment after.
So much sorrow eating up heart as I see my best friend crying in car. As last time we park the car in our yard. As I know this is last time when this happens while I still live here. And it’s beautiful. Beautiful to realise and in that moment experience that I am a human. With all this pain and hurting heart. And that was moment to cherish.
As I slowly packed all the things and cleaned room that I called home for half a year my heart and mind came to order. Arrived in peace. And at some moment experienced inner silence. As all is in right place and right time. And that was reached by giving time and allowing all to be in right order.
And that is what I take from today. Experiencing silence within. Experiencing that all that is – is how it is supposed to be in this system. And that decision to put a sign on an organisation to keep all that is needed there and receive even more and in same time that all that is not need to throw out. Well that was decision with a risk. And still to have a sign there was more important that my own thought or wanting or ego. So organisation can grow and flourish with only that what is needed.
Calm evenings and a hand on knee. That at is what brings life and joy and love. People. People who hold space.
From today this is my reflection place. Place where all thought and emotion, spirit and heart combines in lessons of life. Whereas they might be simple or big, that is meaning I choose to give.
Dat of students. Of more than hundred beings standing in front of me. And my heart in stillness. It took 10 minutes to experience myself in front of hundred and get to realisation how peaceful I can be in that moment. How much love and joy I share with everyone who is in front.
Day before I took decision that my vision for 5 hour event for more than 100 students will be joy. And that is what I transferred to the team who worked together with me. And that is what was created throughout the day by everyone of us who worked with students together.
Fast decisions made to change a game so it would fit in program and still bring something new to students. And also would fit with personality of a team member. That is what brought peace at end.
Small interventions while playing games. Building most attractive story about an organisation to introduce a game. But more importantly to raise the energy and transfer it to every student that I come in contact with. So they could enjoy a simple game most. So they would be charged and would have a chance to experience learning through joy. Experience being together through cooperation.
At end it was wonderful and powerful day finished with most lovely team that brought joy, support, clarity, light, strength, commitment, peacefulness, entertainment and love.
And another part of day begun and ended with bit of heaviness in heart of people leaving. Leaving a very dear place, friends and loved ones. And meeting of those with whom I plan future together. To create that what can bring more light and love around. Plans are set. Actions to take. Results to reach. And most importantly – love and light to give.
guide me till
and gently gently
on the plate
as her mirror
fly so high
till end of world
/translated from Latvian/
original text here
aizved mani līdz
un lēni lēni
redz sevi jūras
līdz pasaules malai
Love binds our Order together; love of people, of cultures, of the world. Fight to preserve that which inspires hope, and you will win back your people.
/Ezio Auditore da Firenze/
Today is day of sun and happiness. Inspiration drawn from people, world and all feelings inside. Going for excellence on daily life basis is highest training of all in life. To wake up every day with intention that today I create world a better place. I choose to share love and light and become who I can be. To choose to grow up and let go of fear of myself. To choose going for highest self and share it to those around me.
To choose keep the intention no matter how much pain or sorrow or heartaches can be. To love myself even through anger and suffering and carry on the life of love. And keep that intention no matter what and where. To love mistakes and rising up. To find gold even after daily stumbles.
It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
Purity of light…
As the world fades into white fog and surrounds all that can be experienced I slow down finally. What a ride has been these past few days, weeks and even months. My body as usually has been wiser than my head and decided to put me on pause. Stop.
For some years have been amazed that my brain is way more slower than my whole organism. Even if I know it in my head I still don’t really know it. Or I choose not to believe it and keep on going in old patterns.
So this is moment of stopping. Moment of productive solitude to just gather up myself back and find ground again. Till next time we meet. Ground and clouds.
As the pain slowly sinks in and travels to furthest places inside my body I come to realisation. Trigger points. So many created during this life time that I cannot count anymore. As I play a new song and first lyrics appear on the screen my heart again generates another wave of sweet pain reminding me of last few months here. And I wonder – would these few words had worked on me just a week ago?
Finding myself in the mornings sleeping in a bed with tensed muscles. Remembrance. Memory of joyful moments before when my body would completely relax while in sleep. Comparison. Is it a heartache of all human beings? Mind that tricks me in comparison and I forget to be in a moment. Forget of one thing that I can truly experience – now. Breath, just breath.
This will also pass. Anicca. Magic of impermanence.
For time being blog will be available only in paper form and uploaded here later. High possibility of no free internet access while camping between Belgium and France in forests.